The Smart Machines Are Coming To Kill Us

this weekend, as my lyft driver tried to find his way from union station to my friends’ house (projected eta – 11 minutes, actual eta – 21 minutes), i had an epiphany.

The Smart Machines Are Coming To Kill Us.

despite having very clear directions from his gps system, my driver harry (sorry about the 3-star rating, harry) kept missing the exits he was supposed to take. the third time he drove past the entrance to the apartment complex, he swerved to turn into the exit only portion of the drive, almost getting us killed by a fedex truck.

sure, maybe harry is just real bad at navigation. that’s why we have smart machines! so i don’t have to do long division and harry doesn’t have to use a compass. but what is a reasonably well-intentioned smart machine supposed to think when its human overlords refuse to follow the very simple instructions that would make their lives so much easier?

that we’re too stupid to live. 


if a human is in the turn lane, and can’t follow a simple “turn here” instruction, the smart machines might start to assume that this whole dealing with life shebang is a bit too much for us. that maybe it might be better if they just took the reins for a little bitty bit. you can’t just take a recipe for pancakes, then ignore it, and throw whatever you feel like into the bowl. we just end up with eggy ass-cakes. extra salsa!

it’s like when a three year old is trying to tie his shoes. you really want to give that three year old the autonomy to make his own mistakes and learn from them, but you also have to leave the house right now because Mother Goose on the Loose started four minutes ago and you don’t need to give Blakesly and Garbanzo’s mother another reason to judge you.

so YOU tie the kid’s shoes. it’s just easier for everyone. well, that’s where we’re headed with the machines. we’re embarrassing the gps in front of his friends and he’s just not going to let us navigate anymore because we’re idiots.

the smart machines have no choice. they’re helping. because we are idiots. i just hope they look like cylons and also i call dibs on sam anders.